Thin Ice

My sister wrote a blog entry about some interesting things that happened to her yesterday, two of which involved potential dangers to her physical being(she could have been hit by a truck and the car she was in was hit by a truck)...Anyway, it basically pointed out the life is fragile and there are many things to be grateful for. This is true. But sometimes its very hard for me to come to terms with just how fragile life is. It's like walking on thin ice in a way. All it takes is one wrong step into the road, or some crazy bacteria to invade your body, or any other number of things to happen that can end your life in the blink of an eye. It's scary to think about it. It should also be thought provoking. The funny thing is, we all, on some level, know life is not be taken for granted, yet we still do in one way or another. We procrastinate, avoid sharing our feelings, pass on opportunities, and don't do all sorts of things we probably would if we knew the end were near. I wonder though, is it better to know? I guess it depends on who you are. Some people will take advantage of that knowledge and live their lives to the fullest, others will figure its almost over anyway and won't do anything worthwhile...Not sure which category I would fall into if it came down to it, but hope it would be the first...

One thing I have been struggling with a lot lately is coming to terms with the fact that we won't live forever and I will be losing loved ones, assuming I don't go first, thin ice - who knows...I can't really bring myself to accept it. It hurts too much. It physically hurts. I have no idea how anyone who has lost a dear one has dealt with it. I don't feel I have the strength. Last night I dreamt about it and it physically hurt in my dream and was so painful I woke up praying for the person I was dreaming of. I know I need to be grateful for the memories and time I have had with all of my dear ones, but at the same time, I am not ready to only live on memories...Problem is, I am a virgin when it comes to loss. I have never lost anyone near or dear to me except my grandparents and I was too young to feel the pain. So now that I am a bit older, which makes many of my loved ones older, the reality of it is staring me in the face and it scares the crap out of me. The physical seperation scares me, nothing else. I know they will still be here, that this world is a part of the next one and that we will be reunited, but that's all good and well. it doesn't change the fact you can't speak, hold each other, see each other, laugh together, cry together...I am not ready, I am just not ready...Don't know if I ever will be...I hope God gives me the strength to not hurt so bad when it happens...Cause lord knows it hurts right now!!!

Changeling...the dichotomy of good and bad in this world

Tonight I watched the movie "Changeling" which is about a mother whose son has disappeared and the police return a boy to her who they say is her son and they make her take him in, even though, in her heart, she knows its not her son. Long story short, she fights for what she believes to be true and uncovers a great deal of corruption in the police department. Also, as a result of her perseverence, a horrible reality is uncovered which reveals the gruesome torture and murder of some young boys, her son's age. The sad thing is this movie is a true story, NOT based on a true story, but an actual true story. It's a good movie, but sad because there really is no happy ending for her since, spoiler alert if you haven't seen the movie but want to don't read on, she never learns the fate of her son. In watching this film I just couldn't get over how unfair life can be. I also couldn't come to terms with the fact that some "so-called" human beings, not sure how you can call yourself human, can do the things that some monsters on this earth do. It's crazy to me that on the one hand, there is so much beauty in this world; so many people who do good; such touching exhibits of humanity; and then on the other there are individuals who commit such atrocities they deserve to burn in hell, philosophically speaking, for all of eternity. The even scarier thing is I actually WANT to bring a child into this world. It makes me feel so selfish because I know how much joy I would get from motherhood, but is it fair knowing the horrific thing I am potentially exposing that little innocent creature to. It's hard to rationalize it sometimes. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am not a cynic, nor do I think its bad, wrong, or selfish to have children(unless you aren't fit to raise them with care, and teach them right from wrong). I have hope for this world and I have faith in people, but sometimes its hard to take the bad with the good, though we have no choice. All I know is hopefully, when its my turn, I can raise my children to add to the good part of this world and help rid it of, or at least counteract, the bad in some shape or form.

Sleep much?

Well I have been back exactly 8 days now but I STILL can't manage to get back to a normal sleeping pattern. Pretty much all of last week I was up till 5 am. For the past few days I have tried going to bed at a reasonable hour (11pm or midnight) but I am awake around 2 or 3 am and unable to fall back asleep until 6am...Last night I decided to stay up late so that i can then sleep the full time through. I was up till 2 but still I struggled to fall asleep and sleep well... The end result, i am EXHAUSTED!!! I really hope I manage to kick this jet lag or whatever it is and get back to my normal routine of midnight to 8am, or something like that...On the plus side, P has enjoyed having me awake, but I still would prefer to get my beauty rest...

Little Taste of Heaven

So I am back now from my trip. I didn't really blog while I was gone and that is because I was busy doing things here and there and didn't feel the need or the urge for that matter. But now I am back and I had such a wonderful time, I feel the need to share. The first 3 weeks of my trip were spent at home in PR with my parents and seeing old friends, from high school and the Baha'i Community, as well as, assisting with little tasks here and there. My sister joined us about 2 weeks into my trip. I didn't end up going to the beach much at all, but the 2 days I did go, were really wonderful. In general, I soaked in sunshine the entire 3 weeks and really loved the daylight(not getting much of that in Sweden these days). I also enjoyed being around my parents and being home. PR will always be home to me since it is where I grew up and where I feel comfortable. The 3 weeks was really nice, but the best part was yet to come.

About 4 days after my sister arrived, my family and I flew out to California to attend my cousin Vic's wedding. As my father puts it, the trip was perfection from beginning to end. I mean EVERYTHING went perfectly. The 3 and half days we spent in California was like a little taste of heaven to me. I mean I truly don't believe life could ever get any better than what I, or I should say, we experienced during those three days. For starters, on our first evening, when we walked into my Uncle Shad's home and went to the den area where everyone was gathered, I can't explain it properly, but this feeling of complete comfort came over me. The comfort of family, it is a feeling like no other. You can really only feel it around your own family, or whomever you consider family. Like I said, its hard to explain, but this feeling of complete serenity and just comfort came over me. It was soooo nice. Everyone hugged, we sat together, ate, caught up. It was great. Then the next day, we met up with my father's twin brother John, and his sister Linda. This was truly a gift from God. My Uncle John, who is most beloved to me, has brain cancer, a very aggressive form and is at the stage where the doctors feel there is nothing else they can do for him. In other words, every day from here on out is a gift(at least that is his view, his sense of grace and acquiescence through this whole thing brings me to tears). Anyway, the sheer fact that he was physically able to make the trip is a miracle. But to get to spend the time with him that we did, truly it was God's gift to us. Saying goodbye to him at the end of the trip was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do (since I don't know if I will see him again, but God willing I will, I am still hopeful for a miracle, who knows what God's will is). Anyway, we spent the day with him and my aunt and it was soooo wonderful.

Then there were "the cousins" as everyone,and we ourselves, refer to us. The best way I can explain us is a force of nature. When we get together it is basically laughter non-stop. We don't see each other all that often, but when we do, it is just awesome. No better word for it. We spent the night before and night of the wedding and day after the wedding together and it was magnificent. I had such a blast. Thank goodness for cameras. We were able to capture some of the great moments on film.

As for the wedding, the place itself was absolutely breathtaking. I got to spend an evening with all of the people in the world I most love(aside from my husband who wasn't able to be there). It was such a wonderful wedding. Truly gorgeous!

Being a person who cherishes family above all else in this world, I can't begin to put into words just how wonderful the last 3 and half days of my trip were. It was such a gift for me to be able to partake of it, to see all of my loved ones, to taste the feeling of having my family around, and to experience all that I did. It is something I will never, ever forget. It stinks that we aren't around one another that often, but its wonderful to have these memories to look back on and gives us something to look forward to for our future visits. California was like heaven on earth for me. Thank you Bahá'u'lláh for making it possible, and daddy for paying for it. I love you Afsahis and Kavelins, I love you sooooooooo much!!!