Sunny PR

I have been home now for 3 days. I got in late Wednesday night and must say it has been really nice being here. I am soaking in the sunshine and the feeling of warmth around me. It's a different culture and a different feeling from Europe. One I am much more accustomed to, and must say, tend to prefer. Doesn't make one better than the other, just better for me. I really feel so happy to be here right now and see so many people I knew and grew up with for so many years. I enjoy my 4 mile walks(though difficult)but so lovely to gaze upon the gorgeous blue water of the ocean while I walk and see all of the people on the streets as I walk by. I hope the time doesn't fly by, though I fear it might, but I am going to continue to soak it all in. And I know the best is yet to come!!! My best friend from growing up gets here soon, my sister gets here soon, and then my cousin's wedding in Cali. I can do nothing but smile as I think of it. I hope everyone reading this is as happy as I am in this moment.

Swimming with Sharks

I just like the title - has nothing to do with anything really, other than, maybe, the brief clip I saw earlier in the day of Anderson Cooper describing his recent adventure in South Africa where he swam with great whites, without a cage, insane I know!!!! I can barely bring myself to get in the water in PR, and I grew up on the beach, how on earth there are daredevils enough to actually swim with great whites, voluntarily, is simply beyond my comprehension!!!

Well I survived. It's that time of year again for me, quarter end, dun dun dun!!! I had my week of working 15 hour days and it wasn't fun - but i made it through. I did a pretty good job this quarter, if I do say so myself. I managed to get through everything, relatively unscathed, and now I can reap the benefits. What are those you may wonder? Well, in fact, it is a 4 week, yes I said 4 week, trip home to visit my parents, relax in the sun, and take a break from life. Actually, I probably have to work some since it is such a long time and there is noone who can take over my work responsiblities, but heck, who cares, I'll be in the caribbean. It just makes everything better somehow. I also am flying to my cousin's wedding in california for a few days. it's going to be wonderful. total family reunion. I can't wait!!! I only wish P were able to go with me for some of the trip. Its been 2 and a half years since we have spent any more than a week apart. It's so unbelievable to me that we used to spend months apart. I have NO idea how we survived it, but we did. So i guess this time apart will be good in the sense we will appreciate our time together even more. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. But 4 weeks is enough.

I feel a little guilty because the economy is in such a crappy place and one of the things I am most looking forward to is shopping, but I justify it by telling myself it would cost A LOT more here, so i'm really "saving" money... We women are very good at convincing ourselves we have saved money by spending it. The joys of being a woman. I love the logic!!! Anyway, I also figure I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, so I might as well live in the moment and not let it pass me by...in moderation of course!

I think this trip will be a good spiritual boost for me as well. I tend to do a lot more service oriented type stuff when I am home, probably because my parents are pretty involved and drag me along for the ride, but its a good thing. language is not a barrier for me, so i am more useful in that sense. Always good to get a boost. Anyway, I guess you get the point, i am excited and am pretty certain i will love this trip!!! Happy Holidays!!!

The journey continues

So as most of you who read this blog know, I have been on a weight loss journey since October. I haven't written about it in a while, but I did promise to keep people updated so I figured I should do just that. Basically, here is where I am at, about a week after i got back from the holyland (2nd week in nov) i decided to take a bit of a break on the diet side and keep up the exercise. I just needed to be a little more moderate. So here is the plan I devised: one month more strict dieting and exercising, next month less strict dieting but still healthy and keep up exercise, then next month diet again, and so on and so forth. So I am back to dieting, its been almost a week, I have started losing weight again and am hoping to lose at least a few more kilos this month. I didn't gain any weight while i was on my break which was great because it showed me this lifestyle is sustainable. I feel like this is the best way to go for me, i mean its moderate, healthy, and at the end of the day a lot more sustainable. I am confident I will reach my goals all in due time, and I am not being impatient or overly eager...just taking it one day at a time! Thanks to those of you who support me and my efforts and for those who have noticed, I really appreciate it!!!

On another note, I have a trip home coming up in less than two weeks. I am quite excited as I haven't been home in almost 9 months and its always nice to be home. So much to look forward to. I am so certain its going to be a fabulous trip!!! I can't wait!!! It's going to be tough being away from my hubby and my dog for that long, but since P and I are used to spending time apart (from our long distance days) I think it will be ok. I'll have my family around, so i won't be alone and he will be with his family so its all good. Speaking of, our little niece Leona, she is about 2 months old and my lord is she the most adorable little baby girl!!! I LOVE her!! really she is too cute!!! And she has great parents so I think she will grow up to be a beautiful human being, and I can't wait to see her grow over the years, it's all very exciting. So many of my close friends and family are starting families of their own and its so cool. it's like another chapter in our lives. I look forward to my turn to have kids, but its nice to live in the moment a bit too and enjoy every phase. So for now, i will just enjoy the kids of my friends and family and when the time comes I will have my own. Ok this turned out longer than expected, but things are good. I am pretty happy which is a nice feeling, probably a great deal relates to my new lifestyle!! Amazing how much weight and physical health impact emotional well being!!! Hope you all have a great weekend!!!

Thanksgiving - Things I am thankful for

1) Being alive and Healthy
2) Being a Bahai
3) My quirky but fantastic husband
4) My wonderful family
5) My little cutie patootie dog Bebo
6) My friends
7) My freedom
8) My life in general
9) Having a fantastic relationship with my parents
10) Having an amazing sister - who has really grown up in the past few years and turned into a beautiful woman!
11) My job.
12) My home.
13) My upcoming trip
14) Modern Technolgy
15) People who care

The global crisis - how it hits home

Well as everyone is well aware, there is a global economic crisis affecting the world today. How long it will last, the full effect of its impact, and many other things are still greatly unknown. For some, they are aware of it but it doesn't really directly impact them. I am feeling the direct hit, not in the way many others are, but I could potentially lose my home in the US. I am lucky that I have a life to turn to outside of it, so while its a major bummer, my "life's not over" so to speak. But there are other things. My company is laying off people. Again, I am lucky, I am not being laid off. However, a good friend of mine at work very well maybe. It's still a bit of limbo in that they may find another role for her, but its not known yet if that will be the case, and she may not want it if they do find one. It's a bummer. I had 2 relatively close friends at work and if she ends up leaving, they will both be gone. I mean I will stay in touch. We will try and hang out socially, but its not the same as seeing the person everyday and having someone to chit chat with at work.

I feel very fortunate to still have my job and be relatively ok financially, but its tough to see so many people suffering and all because some stupid corporations were greedy and did a lot of things they shouldn't have to make a quick buck and now its having a huge snowball effect and a lot of innocent people are getting hurt because of it. I know this is all a part of humanity's growing pains and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but its still difficult to take in sometimes. It is also scary knowing there really is no such thing as security. I mean at any time you could go from having a great job to being unemployed. It's crazy!!!

Anyway, my heart goes out to anyone who is truly directly affected by this financial crisis and I hope things change and don't get a lot worse before they get better. I still think the answer lies in a balanced focus on the material and spiritual, but that's a whole other blogpost which i've already somewhat written about.

The Time is Now

Today we see the entire world is crumbling around us. Economic stability is lost, giant corporations are going out of business, people are losing their jobs, their homes and so much more. If ever there was a time where change was needed it is NOW. The change necessary is not anything we have ever had in the past. The vision needs to be a spiritual AND material one. It's been proven time and time again, the old ways just don't work. We need to stop focusing on our material needs only and start to see that the solution lies elsewhere. I believe the Baha'i Faith has the answers. I respect everyone's right to their own beliefs, but these are mine. I think the teachings of Bahá'u'lláh will guide the way and help humanity to live up to its great spiritual potential. I think its worth a few minutes of everyone's time to at least look into what the Bahai Faith teaches, and if you don't agree with it, so be it, but you never know, it might be the answer to all of your prayers!!!

*The Bahá'í Faith is the youngest of the world's independent religions. Its founder, Bahá'u'lláh (1817-1892), is regarded by Bahá'ís as the most recent in the line of Messengers of God that stretches back beyond recorded time and that includes Abraham, Moses, Buddha, Krishna, Zoroaster, Christ and Muhammad.

The central theme of Bahá'u'lláh's message is that humanity is one single race and that the day has come for its unification in one global society. God, Bahá'u'lláh said, has set in motion historical forces that are breaking down traditional barriers of race, class, creed, and nation and that will, in time, give birth to a universal civilization. The principal challenge facing the peoples of the earth is to accept the fact of their oneness and to assist the processes of unification.

One of the purposes of the Bahá'í Faith is to help make this possible. A worldwide community of some five million Bahá'ís, representative of most of the nations, races and cultures on earth, is working to give Bahá'u'lláh's teachings practical effect. Their experience will be a source of encouragement to all who share their vision of humanity as one global family and the earth as one homeland.

*I got this information from www.bahai.org. For more information, please visit the site directly or reach out to me and I will help however I can.

Half way there - success is in view

I have officially lost 5.1 kilos since I started my diet and exercise program a little over a month ago. That is a bit more than 11lbs. I am feeling very proud and also feeling like I can do this. My initial goal was to lose 10kilos by the end of this year, I am halfway there. Once I reach that goal, I will likely set another one. Either way, its a good thing! I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I am so happy that I have stuck to this and am FINALLY going about weightloss in a healthy manner. I have done so many diets in my life and yo-yoed in my weight loss and gain, but now I think this is the right way to do it and will make keeping off the weight more easy. I've been moderate, i mean if i really feel like having something then i do, just in small quantities, and i am very good about exercising regularly. Anyway, just sharing a bit of my success with those of you who have cheered me on and supported me, I really appreciate everyone's vote of confidence, it's paying off!!! 5 more kilos, here I come!!!

I'm Back

I arrived back from the HolyLand 2 days ago. The trip was wonderful. I had a really wonderful time. I got to spend some nice time with my sister, meet new people, ALMOST win a poker tournament(no actually gambling involved - but glad i didn't win as i was a visitor and it would have been very awkward..coming in 2nd was awkward enough), and last but certainly not least, visit the most sacred of Bahai Holy Places. It was so relaxing and good for my spirit.

Also, I managed (for most of the trip) to be pretty good in terms of what I ate and how much, etc., and Haifa is a city on the mountain so we walked ALL the time up and down very steep inclines. I am happy to say to date I have lost almost 4 kilos...I am still determined to keep it up. As soon as I got back home, I immediately went back to following my diet 100%(was a bit hard to do while travelling) and even went to the gym on my first day back at work. I feel really proud and think I can definitely meet my goals, just need to keep up my determination and hard work.

This trip came at the perfect time for me. It was just what I needed. Best of all, in about a month and a half I have another wonderful trip coming up which I can look forward to. I get to spend a month at home with my family (just us), it will be so great, I just know it!!! I can't wait!!! I will miss my doggie, but i'm sure i'll get used to it.

I said prayers and thought of most of my friends while in Israel. I also prayed for some of my life situations. Now I just have to wait and see what happens. I truly believe a lot of it is in God's hands (like people who are ill, their healing, etc..) and there isn't a whole lot I can do but have Faith and pray i am able to understand God's will, whatever It may be. Time will tell!

That's my update for now.

Headed to the Holy Land

P and I are going to Haifa tomorrow. We will be there for one week. It couldn't come at a better time for me. I am sure there are many factors, but I have felt quite down lately. There have been some frustrations (my apartment situation in Atlanta), fears(a very dear family member is not well), longing (i miss my family and friends), and cabin fever to name a few (i haven't left sweden in about 8 months). I realize that I have much to be grateful for, but I am also human, we all have our own trials and tribulations and these are a few of mine which have sort of been a blow to my spirits lately. So, as I said, this trip couldn't come at a better time.

I will see my beloved sister, have some time away with my hubby to reconnect, and best of all, be close to my Lord. I am looking forward to pouring my heart out, praying for my loved ones and turning inwards a bit to focus on my soul and its needs spiritually.

On a completely unrelated and more positive note, I have been very good with my weight loss endeavours. I have stuck to my diet quite faithfully and my exercise regime. In fact, in the last week there have been about 4 occassions/events I have attended which could have been cause for great temptation, but I was resolute in my actions and I did not give in. I haven't cheated even once. I feel quite proud of myself for that. I am leading a healthy lifestyle and plan to keep it up. I have also lost 2 kilos in the process and hope to continue to lose. So this is good for my spirits for sure..and i'm sure as i see more success I will become even happier.

I also got to see my new niece this weekend(my brother in law's baby) and that was so wonderful. She is so cute and I got to hold her and it was just very nice. I am so happy for my brother and sister in law and hope that P and I will get to spend some more quality time with them and the baby. She is too precious to not see often!

I will try and blog some more about my trip when I return. In the meantime, my friends will all be in my thoughts and prayers while in the Holy Land!

Getting Back on Track

Well I finally put my efforts where my thoughts have been for a while now. I set my mind into discipline-mode, which I am actually quite good at when I make the effort, and started a diet on Sunday. I also started exercising regularly. I have lost one pound so far. Hey its a start!!!But I feel good about myself, my ability to achieve my overall goal for weight loss and a healthier lifestyle. I also went in for an appointment this morning to have my cholesterol checked and some other key health factors. I have a meeting with the doctor next week to go over my results. I am certain this will all help me with my goals. So this part of my life feels pretty good right now.

Unfortunately, i have some issues with my apartment in the states that have come up which are causing me unnecessary stress. Long story short, my tenant is gone, and I need to find a new one, but my agent(whose services haven't been the best in terms of communication) is holding me up and not sending me necessary paperwork to get the apartment listed. The more time that passes, the more stress I feel because i NEED to get a tenant in there asap, as I REALLY can't afford to pay for the unit for much longer...It's just such a crappy situation, but I know a lot of people are much worse off than I am so I try not to fret over it so much!!! If you know of anyone who needs to rent a nice apartment in Atlanta, please let me know!!!

In about a week and half I am going to visit my sister and visit the Bahai Holyland. P and I are really looking forward to the trip. I will get to spend time with my sister which is always a good thing, and I can feel some spiritual rejuvination by just feeling closer to my Lord somehow. It is coming at the perfect time for me!

There isn't a whole lot else going on. I have been quite busy at work which is a good thing, though its been a bit stressful, but its ok, better than being bored. I am hoping to see my niece again this weekend(she was born 2 weeks ago), but we'll see..not sure yet, though it would make me very happy. Baby L is quite the cutiepie!!! Hope you guys(not sure who all reads this thing, but i have a few close friends who do) are doing ok!!!

The Power of Smell

P recently made a trip back to the states, a very brief one, and brought me back some things I had asked for. One of the items he purchased was a shower gel from Victoria's secret. The gel is called "pear glaze". The first time I used it, as soon as I opened the bottle and squeezed out some of the gel, when I got my first whiff of the smell, I really went back to a very happy place in my memories...When I was in my teens, for one of my birthdays, a friend gave me a set of lotions and in it was a pear shower gel which smelled just like the one P got me recently. It's so amazing to me how a smell can bring back so many memories. I remembered living at home in PR, with my parents and just took me back to a very wonderful time...

I remember as a child, when my dad would go on business trips, I would go and smell his clothes because they reminded me of him. I did the same thing, many years later, when P and I lived apart during the first two years of our marriage. I would smell his clothes and it would remind me of him...I just am amazed by the power of smell and what a wonderful sense it really is. Granted, one could associate certain smells with not so nice memories, but in my case, its mostly with very good memories. The best part is, it doesn't get old. Meaning anytime I use the shower gel, my thoughts drift back to memories of living at home and being a carefree teenager.

Self-help

Several weeks ago I blogged about some personal struggles and my intention to help improve my physical appearance. The key word in this whole thing is struggle, because it is one. I haven't been terribly good. I was good the first two weeks, but then work got really tough and I stopped trying. It's kind of like getting on the horse, falling off, then trying to get back up. That is what I am going to do. I haven't given up on myself, which is good I guess, but not enough I know. I wonder why it is that for some people they are fully capable of helping others, but its so hard to help themselves. Somehow life is just ironic that way. Or sometimes people are so kind to others and loving, but with those nearest and dearest they are distant...I don't really understand certain ironies in life....

But life certainly is quite ironic!!! Take me for example, the only thing I really ever, truly cared about in my life is family, especially being around my own family, parents, sister, cousins, uncles, etc...But I now live half way around the world from most of them. In a million years, I don't think i could have imagined that would have been the case. Another irony, my whole life I dreamt of living in the US, it was my desire ever since I left it as a small child, yet once again, I had to go and fall in love with a European who had no desire to live in the US...Life is too ironic!!!

I guess in a lot of cases these ironic situations can be personal tests which help to build character if you deal with them appropriately and choose to grow from the situation somehow. Its amazing how much power we hold in our own hands, yet we don't choose to do anything with it. I mean happiness, if you think about it, is simply a state of mind. Sure it is impacted by your surroundings, environment, etc. , but we can decide to be happy or not. it's simple as that, yet it isn't...I mean obviously, as a deeply religious person, I believe true happiness comes from a sense of nearness to God, but that aside, just practical happiness in terms of your life situation etc..you can choose to be or not to be. You can make lemonade out of lemons life throws you or you can just see a bunch of sour lemons and grunt about it...It's easier said than done I know, but at the end of the day, it is possible. I just need to keep reminding myself of that on days when I see sour lemons thrown at me instead of sweet oranges...

Sad Day

Today is a sad day for me because one of my co-worker's whom I have grown quite fond of is leaving the company. Today is her last day, in fact its her last few minutes here I believe. It feels like what once use to be a bustling, noisy office place has become quite and almost desolate. So many people have left that this place is a completely different place from what it was when I first started here. It's a bit sad, especially when the weather is grey outside as it has been for the past month here. I am really going to miss my co-worker. Her name is Terese and I really like her a lot. Every day when I would come into work we would chat and share stories about stuff. I feel like I am losing a friend, even though I hope to keep in touch with her. It stinks saying goodbye to people you are fond of. Especially if you don't have too many friends around, it really stinks!

I feel like so many people I have grown fond of over the years, I have had to say goodbye to! I guess I am just feeling a bit nostalgic for a past life. I would give anything to be back in my freshman year of college, just for a week and reexperience the fun times with friends. I had such a wonderful time my first year with my Bahai friends in Atlanta and that feeling of belonging. We were a special group of friends and we have since drifted to different parts of the world, but in that time it was so nice. Hanging out at Ladan's apartment on the weekend, Tali and Sami coming down from gainesville, nase coming in late from his 12 hr shift at CNN, adrian just dropping by, all of us just chilling together... I loved that time in my life!!! At least I have the memories of it all, and some pictures to remind me if I do forget! I miss you guys!!!

A few of my favorite things

Here is a list of a few of my favorite things, in no particular order:

1)The Baha'i Faith and how blessed my life has been because of it!
2)Catching up with good friends and having that feeling that no time has passed at all since you last saw or spoke with each other.
3)My dad's laughter.
4)My mom's laughter.
5)My husband's laughter when I say something that makes him crack a smile.
6)My dog Bebo and all of his adorable quirks!!!
7)When my sister and I crack up together over an old memory or just something we find funny.
8)Laughing so hard it hurts and I have to stop cause i feel an asthma attack coming on.
9)Cousin Reunions!!!
10)Reading a good book and staying up all night cause I can't stop turning the pages.
11)Mint Chocolate Chip Icecream(especially from baskin robins).
12)Driving.
13)Watching a really great movie!
14)Visiting my family.
15)My mom's homecooking, NOTHING is better, hands down!!!

My H&M Experience + Week 1 Progress Report

Let's start off with my progress report regarding my weightloss journey. As I mentioned in my previous blog entry, I am trying to put off 10 kilos in the next 4 months. I just completed 1 week since I announced my goal and I am very happy to say I am off to a good start. I lost 1 kilo this week. It's not an enormous amount, but its definitely a healthy start! I hope I am able to keep it up. I feel like I am in the right frame of mind for it!!! I will continue to update, maybe not weekly, but as frequently as possible...

Now, for my H&M experience...Today, I went to H&M at one of the malls here in Stockholm in an attempt to do some shopping while P is out of town. Actually, I saw a skirt I liked and decided to go see if it would look nice on me. Anyway, here is what happened when I went. I went up the escalator to get to the second floor where I had previously seen the skirt. As I am reaching the top of the escalator an Indian gentleman passed by me and said in English "It's hot", then he proceeded to repeat it "it's hot in the store". I kind of grinned or something, not sure. Then I got to the top of the stairs I went to the area with skirts (which was very near the escalator) and I am filtering through and out of the corner of my eye I notice the Indian dude is also looking in the same exact rack as me. Then the following happened:

Indian Dude: What's your name?
Me: Why?
Indian dude: Just trying to make friends.
Me: (with a skeptical look) Zhena
Indian Dude: My name is Rami...
Rami: Are you from Sweden?
Me: No.
Rami: Where are you from?
Me: America
Rami: I'm from UK.
Rami: What are you doing here(in sweden)?
Me: I live here
Rami: So you work here?
Me: yes i work
Rami: (finally getting to the point after a bit of silence) Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: (lifting up my left hand to show him the big ass diamond ring on my finger) I am Married!!!!
Rami: (sad look on his face) oh bad luck for me... (he walks away)

I mean COME ON!!!! Does this dude think he actually stands a chance of picking up a girl at H&M???? I mean I am so stupid for not having said from the beginning "leave me alone I don't need anymore friends"...but its just not in my nature...What I want to know is, why didn't he just look at my ring finger to begin with... or maybe he did but thought it was worth a shot anyway....I don't know, but we women ALWAYS look at a man's left index finger to see if he is wearing a ring...Either way, it was a very strange experience...Kind of creepy too, because now I am convinced he followed me in the store and up the escalator...P wasn't too happy when I told him about it, since I was alone and all..but its not that big a deal, just hasn't happened to me in a while, men aren't usually so aggresive in their pursuit of women...much less the married ones!!! hehehe....Anyway, thought it was a funny tale to share...

My Life Struggle - A heartfelt confession

For those of you who have known me over the span of about 10 years, you will know that once upon a time I wasn't fat. Funny thing is, I always thought I was. My obsession with weight started in the 6th grade when I weighed about 80lbs and wanted to lose 20, so I would only weigh 60lbs, even though I was already over 5ft tall then. It was crazy, but growing up in Puerto Rico, people are obsessed with how you look and they have no problem telling you when you have put on a little weight. I remeber them saying "ooh tienes pipa", it means"ooh you have a belly"...anyway, that is when my self consciousness started...Over the years I put on more weight, but throughout all of highschool, I was never actually "over" weight. I was a healthy weight for my height, but since I was so much taller than most of the girls around me (PRican women tend to be short), I always felt like this huge giant, and fat...I don't come from a family of skinny people either, so I am not genetically pre-disposed to being thin or petite...

After high-school, I went to college and put on the traditional freshman 15, but I still looked ok, though I knew I needed to be careful, however, I didn't watch myself, I ate lots of crap(for the first time in my life really), and put on even more weight. Well in the summer between my junior and sophomore year I had enough. I went to a doctor to lose weight. She cut out lots of stuff from my diet, I ended up practically starving myself, and walking 4 miles a day. I lost about 24 pounds in 4 weeks time and I looked and felt great... I managed to keep the weight off for about 5 months, then i started dating my now husband and on my first visit to see him we went to mcdonalds almost every day, for icecream, fries, etc.. I put on 5lbs on that visit alone. It was a downfall after that... I gained back all of the weight I lost and then some during my senior year in college. Then I started working as an auditor with PwC and we worked insane hours and ate almost every meal in front of our computers. I have never been a health nut so i didn't order the health conscious food when we ordered food(which was every meal lunch and dinner practically)and needless to say, I put on tons more weight...I managed to lose about 25 lbs before my wedding by doing the no carb diet, but after the wedding i packed on all the weight i had lost plus a significantly additional amount since I went back to eating as I had before the no-carb diet....

This brings me to the present. I am 2 weeks away from my 27th birthday. I find myself in a true predicament. I always told my husband when I turned 27, I wanted us to start trying to children. Well now reality is hitting me hard. I am 2 weeks away, but I am no where near in the proper physical shape to get pregnant and carry a child and then try to put off baby weight after giving birth. So, I need to lose weight AGAIN!!! This has been such a struggle in my life for the past 9 years. Unless you have been overweight and had to lose it and keep it off, you really have NOOO idea how difficult it can be, not just physically, but emotionally...Funny thing is, people think you don't care, or you are lazy, and maybe to an extent that can be true, but they don't realize that you think about it all the time, and you do try, but its hard and when you fail, sometimes you give up, get comfortable with the fact that you are fat, it is what it is, and you try to not obsess about it ALL the time. I know people think they are helping when they try to reach out and offer advice, ask you about it etc, and maybe for some that helps, for me it just makes me hate myself all the more and almost feel like doing nothing just to prove people right...I don't know. I have always been sort of a self-help person. I want to do things myself, I don't want help from others, I want to be able to say I did it, all on my own...So I get irritated sometimes when others offer a "helping hand"...It's the wrong attitude I know, but its hard to change...

You might be wondering why I am posting all of this on a blog for the world to read, the truth is, I think it will help me. I have felt like, for lack of a better word, shit for the longest time. I have no self-confidence in terms of my appearance, I look like crap in just about every picture taken of me (and I use to be photogenic), and I am tired of it. I know I need to do something about it and I know I have made excuse after excuse, but I think I am finally prepared to challenge myself and change my lifestyle for the better. I know its not easy and i will probably slip up now and then, but I am going to try. I am not going to go on a fad diet, or become an excercise nazi, but I am going to make a conscious effort to eat better, smaller portion sizes, and to try and exercise regularly..Hopefully that will help me put off the pounds I feel I need to lose before I am comfortable getting pregnant. I am going to try post my progress on this blog. The goal I am starting with is to lose 10kilos in the next 4 months (that's 22lbs).Wish me luck!!!

Am I a workaholic?

So it's 1:30 am and I am just finishing up my latest draft of a 12 month cashflow forecast for my company. It sounds more complicated than it is. Anyway, it's not due until tomorrow afternoon at 5pm, but I decided I wanted to work on it tonight. Here's the thing, I have been working from home for the past several weeks, so its not really a normal work schedule as I am not at the office, rather I have my computer on all day and do work as it comes in or work on things I would normally do, but I come and go and so I find myself doing things like working on the cash flow at 1 am. The reason I wonder about being a workaholic is that I could have worked on this tomorrow and still gotten it done in time. So you are proabably thinking, well why stay up late working? Well the thing is, if I know there is something that needs to be done, I kind of like to get it done right then and there.

I think is a personality trait of mine which has flowed over into my work habits. My dad always use to say that I was always looking forward to the next fun thing, so like if it were my bday, as soon as it was over, i was thinking ahead to what celebration came next..I never really have lived in the present, i have always looked to the future, so its sort of the same with work. I feel like if something needs to be done, I should do it now to get it over with. I also think that my years of working as an audit slave for PwC sort of have me accustomed to working all the time that now when I have a more normal schedule and there is less work, I kind of crave more, is that insane of me? Don't get me wrong, I love having a work life balance and being able to do things outside of work, but I also love working,as long as there is stuff to do...Works out well for my employer in that I have never been late for a deadline, unless it was something I couldn't control, and I am really willing to give 150% for the job, if that is what was called for, which its not really in my current job, but I still try to do it when I can.

I don't know if I am crazy or not, but its ok, because I haven't let it interfere in my life so far. And I feel like I am being responsible... I mean I wouldn't be staying up this late if I was going into the office tomorrow, unless I really had to, then I would of course...Maybe I just need to get a life...Though I suspect if I had a life and work needed me to do something, I would drop my life stuff and do it...Can't help it...I just feel its my duty..

3 am ramblings

Well its 3 am and I just finished a book I bought yesterday. Don't you love staying up reading a good book and that feeling of just wanting to finish, no matter the time.. Only downside is I have work in the morning, but it was worth it. It feels like ages since I stayed up late reading a good, ficitional book, just for the sake of reading, not to deepen myself spiritually and read into the meaning of life, just reading for the sake of entertainment. In college, i spent countless saturday nights in my dorm reading, most would think "how lame", and maybe it was, but i loved it...

Anyway, now its late and I am here typing my post, not really about anything in particular...Oh look P just walked in the door, home from a night out with a buddy. I suppose i should probably be going to sleep, otherwise my head will be hurting at work tomorrow, but its been fun. Brings back some good memories of a more carefree time in my life! Ah those were the days!!!

Just for kicks...

Today I enjoyed some nice family time with my hubby and our doggie Bebo. I love our family time. It's so nice to be part of a family unit, even if it a small one right now, but one day, hopefully, it will expand. I enjoy spending time laughing with my husband and just enjoying the little things. Today one of those little things was taking pictures of our dog looking super cute. We managed to get him to literally sit in a chair while I was working and put my eyeglasses on him. He sat perfectly still and almost posed for the camera. He didn't move or try to shake the glasses off. It was very fun to watch and was a nice moment, can't really explain it, just that it brought me very much joy. See for yourself....

What to do...

How does a person, who feels quite invisible at times, make themselves heard? Do you even bother? Sometimes it feels like no matter how you say something, or how many times you say something to someone, it just never truly penetrates their consciousness. That or they just really don't care.... SO what do you do if you find yourself in such a situation? Do you keep trying? Do you give up and move on and try and make peace with situation? Do you shake the person till they get it??? I really wonder sometimes what on earth i need to do to make myself heard, truly heard....it feels like a waste of time most times...like things fall on deaf ears... is it just me, or do others feel the same way???please tell me i am not alone...

Appreciating those you love

I have been in a very thoughtful mood lately about my loved ones. Certain things have happened in my life which remind me of how transient life is, how fleeting it is..In those times, I turn to my loved ones and remember them. Last night P and I hung out with some good friends and it was so nice. well before that we had dinner with my brother and sister in law which I really enjoyed. Then after we went and hung out and were up till about 4am, which for me is a big deal because I really don't do late nights much anymore... But it was just natural and fun. We were up talking about all kinds of random stuff, some things silly, so more philosphical..it was just nice to be around friends and be relaxed and enjoy each other's company.

I just think its so important to tell those you love that you love them and to let them know before its too late. Life is so short and we should just appreciate each other and not keep those feelings bottled up inside. I love so many people, and I feel like they know they are loved by me, but its always good to remind people. So, to my dear friends and family, I love you!!!

Life Updates...

It's been a little while since I have written on here about stuff going on, so I think I will do that today.

A visit with my sister came and went rather quickly. It was nice having her around, having family around, but it also made me aware of the fact that I don't have that, if you know what I mean? A friend of mine told me its a test she may never understand, being away from family, and I agree, but at least you learn to cherish that time you do have together. I guess I have also been thinking about this a lot lately because one of my very beloved Uncle's has gone through some things lately with his health and it has sort of put things into perspective for me a bit. Anyway, having N here was really, really nice and I am glad I get to see her again in a few short months.

P and I moved into our new apartment about 4 weeks ago and we really love it. It's amazing how we don't even think about our old apartment ever. We feel very lucky and can't wait to have all of our friends over to see our new place and just hang out in a relaxed environment. I am also excited about the prospect of Baha'i activities i can now hold in my new home, which I feel is lot more comfortable for people to come over to and lends itself better to such activities then our old place would have.

Work is normal, but it is summertime, so I am working from home since most of my co-workers are on vacation, and I enjoy that very much. It is much more relaxing working in my pj's then getting all dressed up and going into the office, not that I mind that either, but with the summer weather, its nice to be at home and working from there.

P and I are doing well, things are much nicer now that all of the crazyiness surrounding moving is over...We have more time to enjoy one another's company.

I was reading a friend's blog today and he mentioned that if you move away to a new place to get away from problems, they don't get resolved because whereever you go, you take yourself with you. I really think that is so true. It almost feels like natural instict to try and "run away" to escape our problems, but really wherever you go, they will follow. You need to cure the cause of the problem itself. It's a tough thing to do, or to realize even, but it's quite important. I think we all have certain issues that we have dealt with, and it did feel like a change of environment would help solve them, but that was never the case(at least in my life it doesn't appear to have worked). It's time we deal with the root of the problem and if we can't solve it ourselves, seek help from another source, but escaping doesn't do anyone any good! ok this was a bit random, I know, but that is how my brain works sometimes... anyway gotta run to a meeting now....

Congratulations

A dear friend of mine is expecting her first child and I just wanted to take the opportunity to officially congratulate her and her hubby!!! You guys will make a beautiful child, whom I can't wait to meet!!! Love you!!! Congrats T&K!!! :o)

Getting Settled

We moved in on Friday and have been trying to get settled ever since. We LOVE the apartment so far, the neighborhood is great, everything seems pretty dandy thus far. I couldn't be happier to have moved. I am 100% certain my last apartment was full of mold, or something like that because for weeks I was congested, had asthma, and couldn't sleep. Two days after moving, I slept really well and most of my congestion is gone. Also, my asthma is much more under control. I have no doubt that in about a week, I will be totally ok!

Some of P's friends helped us move and it was incredible what they accomplished in such little time. It was tough, but now it is clear it was so worth it.

My little sister gets here in about 4 days and I can't wait!! I really realize how much I miss and need my family. I mean I always knew I loved them like crazy, but these days, I just feel like I need my own family around me. Life can get lonely sometimes, and those are the times, nothing makes me feel as good as my family does! Anyway, N and I are going to have a great time together, we both really need it!!!

The move

So its only a few days until Friday when we move to our new apartment. I really can't wait any longer!! The move itself will likely be painful, due to the enormous amount of stairs we have to go up and down in our building, but once we are out of here, it will be fantastic. I really couldn't be happier to be moving so soon!!! We also have some furniture shopping to do which is fun. Not happy about what it will cost, but that aside, the actual shopping and picking things out together is a fun process. Decorating the new apartment will also be fun!

Once we get into the apartment we will need to unpack and get it settled, but it will be good. My little sister is coming for a visit a week after we move in, so my goal is to get as much done before then as possible, though she knows it won't be perfect, but should be good enough.

I think this is going to be a good summer. Should be fun getting use to the new place and getting settled. Will also be fun throwing a housewarming party. I will post some pics once we have moved, but probably not on here, too available to the world...

Power of Prayer

My family recently went through a scary time. My Uncle was hospitalized and the doctor's found a tumor in his brain which was growing quite rapidly. They were going to do a biopsy yesterday to test for cancer, but apparently, they felt it was most likely malignant, so they opted to do a full on craniotomy instead. They performed it and removed the tumor succesfully. Now my Uncle will be undergoing chemotherapy and radiation to make sure they get rid of any microscopic cancer that could remain.

Anyway, initially we just knew something was wrong, not what, and every day more information came out. I was very frightened when I first heard the news. I love my uncle so much, and more than that, i adore my father, and I know my father adores his twin brother, so the thought of something happeneing was almost too much to bear!!! Needless to say many prayers were said.

I reached out to my friends and family member and it is amazing the outpouring of love and offer for prayers which came in. We are so blessed as a family to have so many think of us. It also showed me how many people's lives my uncle has touched, either through knowing him directly, or his work on the virtues project, etc... It was very wonderful. I have NO DOUBT that all of these prayers helped during my Uncle's surgery, and also kept the family strong!!! Continued prayers are necessary as we aren't out of the woods yet, but God is so great and I have complete faith in Him and that whatever lies ahead, we will all be ok!!! Thank you to those of you who reached out to me and who prayed!!! Words can't possibly express my true gratitude. I love you!!!!

To fess or not to fess

Lately, there has been a bit of a debate about whether one should confess their feelings for another person or not. Particularly, should a woman tell a guy how she feels? There are many different views and opinions, and personally, I think it totally depends on your individual situation. But in general, I wonder, from a male's perspective, does that sort of thing freak men out? Do they find it too bold? Is it just the thing they need to give them the courage to make a move?

It's so hard to tell how someone will react and if it will be a good or bad thing. But again, it comes down to your situation and also your personality. Some people are just very open and its easy for them to tell people what's on their mind so its not strange when they share their feelings; others are more reserved and it takes a lot more courage to do so. So the question is, should one or shouldn't one? No worries - I have no feelings to confess. Mine is an interesting mix of the two things I just mentioned. I have always been reserved with my feelings and feared someone finding out because I thought it might make our friendship awkward. Long story short - I was always this way until I met my hubby. Somehow, with him, I just had the courage to say what was on mind and let him know how I felt about him and though it wasn't instant he did end up feeling the same way about me pretty quickly after I fessed up. I guess it got him thinking about it... So in my case it worked out well, but I am sure it doesn't work out that way for all, or maybe even most...

If you guys have any thoughts on this, feel free to share, I find it a very interesting part of human relationships -honesty about one's true feelings - how many people are actually 100% honest???? I bet some of us out there thought we were just friends with someone but that person was totally crazy about us and we never even had a clue...Interesting, very interesting...

Wonderful Day

I just got back from a peaceful stroll around the lake with P and Bebo. We were out for about 2 hours and it was so nice. The weather is really beautiful and warm right now. Bebo went for a swim for the first time. Actually we put him in the water, it wasn't voluntary, but he did great, though he doesn't appear to be over his fear yet. He also ran around and played on the shore, digging in the sand and rocks, and playing with sticks. He really loved it. All the while, I was sunbathing on the dock while watching him. P was also walking up and down the dock.

It was just such a relaxing way to spend part of our Saturday. I really loved it! Next time we go out, we will probably bring a picnic basket with us and have lunch. I am so blessed to be able to enjoy this nice family time in a beautiful place with not a care in the world. Some of us don't realize just how good we have it! It's good to remind myself how lucky I am so that when I feel down about something I can remember what I do have to be thankful for!!! Hope you guys are enjoying your weekend too!!!

Girlfriends

Recently, a good girlfriend of mine came for a visit. I only got to see her for a few hours all in all, but it was so good for me and so nice to spend that time with her. I hadn't seen her in about 9 months and we hadn't really kept in touch all that much since both of us were busy, but it felt like no time had passed at all.

Isn't it the sign of a real friendship when no matter how much time has gone since you have seen the person, when you are together it is like you were never apart? I think the same goes for relationships in general. I am very lucky to have a handful of these friendships in my life. Unfortunately for me, they are all scattered abroad on different parts of the planet, but I am just happy to have these wonderful ladies in my life.

After being married for about 4 years now, and trust my I really do love my husbands loads, after spending that much time with a man, I just realize how great it is to actually have a good girlfriend around to just be myself with. I mean nothing can take the place of a good girlfriend. I really miss the days I had when there were several of us together in Atlanta, but life changes, people move on, and in my case my friends and I ended up in different parts of the world. At least I will always have the memories and the comfort of knowing that when I do see them again, it will be as if we had just seen each other the day before! To all of you out there lucky enough to have a great girlfriend by your side, don't take it for granted, you don't know what a gift it is until you no longer possess it! To all of my girlfriends and my sister(cause she is also a girlfriend but even closer), I love you all dearly!

Pride and Prejudice

Ah Mr. Darcy!!! Enough said!!!! If you haven't read this book or seen the movie, drop what you are doing and go read it/watch it. Granted you must enjoy romance. This story is the classic romantic tale. I just finished seeing the latest version of the movie made staring Keira Knightley and I must say, no matter how many times I watch this movie(any version of it) I just never get tired! I mean really it is the epitomy of all things romance! I am so inlove with Mr.Darcy and the idea of him and elizabeth and their love.

As a woman who enjoys a good romance story, it just doesn't get better than this one!! I must say that we should all be so lucky to find such a true love like they did in the story. I realize its a glorified version and not all that realistic, but I still think its possible and does exist. I think once you do find that person you choose to spend your life with, and hopefully if you are lucky its a choice made for love rather than convenience, its so important to try and keep the romance alive. Keep things interesting. Tell your significant other that you love them, go on dates, be kind to them, hug them, kiss them, just be loving. I am a firm believer that one can keep the romance alive and a relationship doesn't have to settle into this state of just existing and being. I mean I also realize after 20 years with the same person sometimes you can fall into a routine and lose that "spark", but you most definitely can keep it alive too, as long as you make an effort to do so!!!

I think anytime I feel my relationship needs a boost (which its way too early in my marriage to feel that way so i haven't yet) I will remember pride and prejudice and what it is I love about romance and try to bring that back to life in my own relationship!!! Ah, love what a truly wonderful thing!!! All I want to do now is hug and kiss my hubby!!! hehe!!!!

rambling

writing just to write. i'm a bit bored. i am also very frustrated. i am paying someone to perform certain services on my behalf as it relates to my condo and this person just is not good at communicating with me or keeping me informed. it really stinks not knowing what the heck is happening. what's worse is i am so pathetic, i don't want to call her because i hate confrontation, but she won't respond to my email so what other choice do i have, yet i struggle with picking up the phone and dialing...sucks, just totally stinks!!!

i am also feeling very tired. have not been getting enough sleep lately, going to bed too late. need to catch up on some zzzzz's this weekend. wish i didn't need sleep like some people who seem to function quite well on very little sleep, but i am not like that. anyway...i know i'm rambling, but like i said, i am a bit bored.

i am meeting up with a close friend this afternoon whom i haven't seen in several months, so will be nice to catch up with her. at least that is something to look forward to and to keep my mind off of my frustration with the abovementioned person who lacks responsibility!!!!

Joy

My little sister is coming to visit me in less than 2 months. This was a last minute trip(sort of)that we talked about and quite fortunately were able to pull off. She has never been here in the summer time, and last time she was here I was working most of the time. This time we will have loads of time together. She also gets to attend the Bahá'í summer school which is likely going to be really great!!!

I have been pretty excited all day since we booked her flight! I just realize (not that i wasn't aware of it before, but it manifests itself so clearly to me) how much joy and happiness I derive from being with my family. Parents to cousins, doesn't matter, I love them all! I mean I am my happiest when I am with my family. My sister and I have grown much closer this past year and its something that means a lot to me. So I can't wait for her visit because I know it will be great! I think both of us need it.

It's also cool because we will be moving into our newly purchased apartment only a few days before her arrival. There are a lot of fun things happening around the same time and much to look forward to. It puts a smile on my face!!! I just felt like sharing the joy!!! :o)))

Effort

At what point do you just stop making the effort? when do you say to yourself, what's the point? no matter what I do, if i don't reach out they won't reach back and even if i do reach out they still might not reach back, so enough is enough, who cares, why bother??? when do you reach that point?

Criminal Minds

I am addicted to the show criminal minds. It's a show about the BAU(behavioral analysis unit) of the FBI. It's similar to Law&Order or CSI, but its much more interesting to me. I really like the characters and how the show is set up. It can be pretty scary to watch at times because they are pretty descriptive and a lot of the crimes they investigate are gruesome. I always worry that it gives bad people ideas, but my hubby says they get the ideas from crimes that have already happened.

It's a sad world. I mean the things that happen in this world its scary. I can't comprehend how anyone could possibly hurt another human being in the way they do on these shows, yet I know, unfortunately, it happens and even worse than anything seen on television. It disturbs me, but at the same time it makes me so happy to have my faith and to know that this is all a part of why the old world order needs to crumble(and is doing so) and a new one be rolled out in its stead. I mean yes some of this is just sick individuals, but a lot of the dirty things in the world, the evil, it comes from society. It's so clear to me that change is necessary and luckily we have the tools for bringing about that change.

So now I ask myself, is it wrong that I like this show so much? If I weren't desensitized some how would I even physically be able to watch it? Am I contributing to the evil in the world by finding a show about criminals and how they are caught so entertaining? I don't know. Maybe that's an extreme view. But I think it will be fantastic when the world reaches the day that such shows won't exist because people 1)won't be able to think of such scenarios and 2) people won't enjoy watching them. Till then I just have to admit it may be wrong, but I love it(hey at least they are out to get the bad guys and that is what i like seeing)! What are you gonna do?!?!

Last 2 weeks

It's been a little while since I last blogged on here. During that time my parents came and went. They visited me for about a week on their way to Israel for the Baha'i International Convention which takes place every 5 years. I really enjoyed having them here. It was nice for them to see where I live and what my life consists of these days. It helps give them a mental picture. They seemed to really enjoy their visit and the surroundings here. It really is a beautiful city/country.

There wasn't too much time for the three of us to spend alone together because there were lots of visits with extended family members, in-laws, etc. That was nice too, but sometimes its nice to just be by yourselves and have some quality family time. They will be back through here for a day and half and I am hoping it will just be us and we can enjoy some quality time together. It's so hard being so far away. I wish my family had been lucky enough to be together, but sometimes wishes don't come true. There is always the next world...

If's funny because the weather was really lovely the entire time they were here and as soon as they left it got a bit cloudy and is not as nice, though it is much warmer and we can finally see signs of spring/summer on the way. The trees and flowers are starting to bloom. I really hope we have a good summer weather wise! Last week was great, and I would love more of that!

They met Bebo and loved him as I suspected they would. It's hard not to like him if you are a dog person. He is so cute, friendly, and funny! I adore this dog so much. I hope he stays healthy and I have him for a long, long time!

P and I signed a contract on an apartment agreeing to purchase it. If all goes well, we will be moving in during the beginning of July. I can't wait. I love the apartment I am in now, but at the same time, its not mine and I can't wait to be in my own place which belongs to me and I don't have to feel worried if something happens, etc.. AND to be rid of the stairs, oh the joy I feel already!!! Plus now I can completely decorate it with my own furnishings, I will have extra bedrooms so my family and friends can come and stay with me. I am very excited!!!

Ok, that's my latest update!

Life's Dilemmas

Why is it that as human beings we let quite trivial, and in the big picture, insignificant things, become "problems" in our lives? I mean somehow, despite knowing there is a big picture and more to life, the next world, etc... we still let ourselves get bogged down by things that in the end shouldn't matter.

For instance, if you are someone's friend and they end up not calling you and opting to be with someone else instead or blowing you off for something that in your opinion is silly, why should that really matter? I mean it does. There are very few people who can actually say they don't get bothered by these sorts of things. But why? I mean for those of us who have beliefs of a next world and believe that to achieve a higher station or better progress in that world, we should focus on bettering ourselves as human beings and service towards others, Why is it we allow ourselves anytime to even think about it?

It feels like we make this life much harder than it could be. Like if we could learn the art of letting things roll off like water off of a duck's back, life would be so much simpler. Whatever happened to "to each his own"? I mean I am the first person who is affected by these things. I am UBER sensitive, for real. I hate it actually. But I take everything personally. I always have. For instance, if i walked by a group of people and they started laughing, somehow I thought they were laughing at me, even though odds are it had nothing to do with me. I feel slighted very easily. I KNOW I shouldn't, but I do. I don't know how to not be so sensitive and how to not let things hurt me so easily. But that is why I wonder about this. Because I also believe strongly that these things don't matter. I mean I firmly believe I should be kind to others and it DOES matter if I am purposely unkind to someone or mean or rude etc... that is not acceptable and does matter. But in general, it shouldn't matter for me. I should just live my life, focus on what's important and not let the rest of it get to me. So why is it that I can't or that people in general can't? I greatly admire those who can!

Family....

Well another weekend has passed and still no home. That's ok! I am sure we will find something very soon! I am quite hopeful.

This weekend I found out my husband is going to be an uncle. I guess that means I too will be an aunt. Well, not really sure. The truth is, in my family, I have always considered my aunt/uncle's in law as aunt's and uncles. there really is no difference to me between them and my blood aunt and uncles. It's probably just how I was raised. I don't know if this little one on the way will view me in the same way. I guess it doesn't really matter, but it would be nice! Only time will tell...

The news certainly was a surprise. Truth is I always thought I would be the first one to get pregnant, but in a way its nice because now the pressure is off to provide a grandkid(to my inlaws that is, my own parents, that's a whole other story)! A baby is such a blessing so I am very happy for my brother and sister in law and wish them lots of luck on this journey of parenthood that they will now embark upon.

In other news, my parents get here next week and I am very happy about that. I can't wait to hang out with them and show them where I live, work, etc...I am very close to my family and being apart is not the easiest thing in the world. I would give anything to live closer to them and to my sister. Most people don't realize how lucky they are when they get to live near family. And quite frankly, sometimes if you can't appreciate what you have, you almost don't deserve to have it...But that's not my place to say. All I know is, I value family above anything else in this life and it incredibly STINKS that I don't get to be physically close to them!!! Oh well, you learn to live with certain disappointments in life, and this is most certainly the biggest one for me!!! Thank goodness for skype!!!

And the Search Continues

The apartment I spoke of earlier is most definitely out of my grasp now. There are two families/people in a bidding war over it. They keep raising their bids and its now too much for me, which I expected. It's ok. I know it means this time it wasn't meant to be.

We are going to look at a few apartments this weekend and there is one we feel good about, but the concern would be if it went up a lot in price through the bidding process. Hopefully it won't, but you never know. We have to see it. it's quite possible that after seeing it in person we decide its not for us after all... The good thing is I am quite perseverant! So I will just keep looking and looking until I find a place! Though I would love it if that happened sooner rather than later.

My folks are coming to visit me in exactly 2 weeks from now, which I am really looking forward to. I wonder if I will have found a new place by then, probably not but who knows!!! I have scheduled vacation at work for the entire duration of their stay, so that is nice because it means I don't have to lose any time with them. We will probably do some sight seeing around town, but mostly just hang out together! I really can't WAIT for them to meet my dog, Bebo. He is such a character and I have been talking him up for a year now, so they can finally meet the little guy in person. I know my dad and Bebo are going to really hit it off, because Bebo is so playful and my dad loves dogs like that!!! Can't wait!!! Its funny, he's just a dog, but he brings me so much joy!!! i really do love him so much. everyday he does something that makes me laugh. I can't imagine how people could every be cruel to animals, most especially, adorable furry creatures like my little Bebo!!!

Dream home?

I went and looked at apartments with P this weekend and found one that I am totally inlove with, only problem is I probably can't afford it. Basically, the way it works here is there is a starting price and then people make bids and the apartment goes to the highest bidder. I basically can only afford the starting/asking price, so I think I have a slim to zero chance of getting this place! It's kind of frustrating to find something so great and it not be a possibility. Also, its a bit frustrating because things that appear to be in my price range can quickly jump out of range with this bidding process! I almost feel like throwing in the towel. I mean I know I just need to be patient and things will work out. But its hard since I come from a system that is so different where if you know what you can afford you look for things in that price range and its basically easy to get what you want based on your price range....Arrgggh, sometimes I HATE having to adjust to different systems and customs from the ones I have been use to for the past 26 years!!! Oh well, this is a good test of my patience.... I will let y'all know when I finally do find a place!!! My guess is I will be spending the next several weekends still looking!!! Wish me luck!

Baffles the Mind

So I just saw an article about a poor guy in Oregon whose home was ransacked because some jerk posted an ad on craigslist stating that everything in the house, including that man's horse, was up for grabs. FREE STUFF. The ad listed that man's address and that was about all it took. The guy showed up to his house on a Sunday and saw about 30 people rummaging through his stuff, taking his belongings, and get this, when he told them he was the owner and it was his stuff they actually had the audacity to show him a print out of the ad and say because of it they were entitled to take his stuff. It's a good thing it wasn't Texas because I am sure the owner there would have or could have pulled out a shotgun to get people to leave. But, isn't this just awful!?!?

This is such a clear demonstration of man's lower nature in play. I don't think its strange to try and get free stuff. Who turns down free stuff? But really when the owner shows up and tells you it was a fake ad and you are stealing his belongings, how on God's green earth can you have the chutzpa to take someone's stuff in front of them and not even feel bad. I mean really, truly, the second you realize it was a mistake you should drop everything, apologize profusely, and high-tail it out of there!!!! It's not like you were harmed, aside from losing some of your day. You didn't pay for stuff. I understand if you had paid for something, feeling some kind of possessiveness over the stuff, but in this case, its just pathetic!!! It's almost unbelievable to me that man can be so kind, generous, and really virtuous at times, and then on the other end of the spectrum can be unkind, unfeeling, greedy, and just plain evil at times... How can this dichotomy exist in the world? It really baffles my mind!

Sunny Skies

Well its the start of a new year(Bahai New Year was March 21st), the spring is on its way and things are really looking up. P and I are still house/apartment hunting and though at times it can be frustrating, for the most part I think the whole process is quite fun, especially doing it together. Hopefully we will find something in the next few weeks. I will keep the blog posted on that.


In general, life is looking good. I have a feeling this will be a great year! Its sunny outside right now and that is representative of how I am feeling at the moment. I think the forecast for this year is sunny skies! I am really looking forward to it! :o)))

God's compassion

I am feeling a little frustrated today and am not really sure what to do about it. I find myself in a bit of a tough situation. I have some things I need to do, but there are people telling me how I should do it, and basically I am dependent on those people to get it done yet i really dont want to do it the way they are saying i have to. In turn, I have no idea what to do. Do i do the things and be unhappy and feel frustrated? or do I wait and do them later, when i can do them on my own terms, but then am i wasting precious time in waiting??? I don't really know what the right answer is.
On another note, this morning after my prayers, I read from some Baha'i writings from a book called "Prayers and Meditations" which really made me smile a bit. It showed me how much the Manifestations of God love us. The writing I read says:

"Thy glory is my witness! At each daybreak they who love Thee wake to find the cup of woe set before their faces, because they have believed in Thee and acknowledged Thy signs. Though I firmly believe that Thou hast a greater compassion on them than they have on their own selves, though I recognize that Thou hast afflicted them for no other purpose except to proclaim Thy Cause, and to enable them to ascend into the heaven of Thine eternity and the precincts of Thy court, yet Thou knowest full well the frailty of some of them, and art aware of their impatience in their sufferings.

Help them through Thy strengthening grace, I beseech Thee, O my God, to suffer patiently in their love for Thee, and unveil to their eyes what Thou hast decreed for them behind the Tabernacle of Thine unfailing protection, so that they may rush forward to meet what is preordained for them in Thy path, and may vie in hasting after tribulation in their love towards Thee. And if not, do Thou, then, reveal the standards of Thine ascendancy, and make them to be victorious over Thine adversaries, that Thy sovereignty may be manifested unto all the dwellers of Thy realm, and the power of Thy might demonstrated amidst Thy creatures. Powerful art Thou to do what Thou willest. No God is there but Thee, the Omniscient, the All-Wise.

(Baha'u'llah, Prayers and Meditations by Baha'u'llah, p. 158)

I LOVE how it says He has greater compassion on us then we do ourselves and that we are impatient in our suffering. How we are frail! I love it because it shows how we as humans do try, try to do things for Love of God, but we are weak and even though we know suffering brings us closer to God, at the same time, we can be impatient. Anyway, after reading this I just smiled a little bit and felt better about my "weakness" and took much comfort in knowing how compassionate our Lord is. All in all, i think this was a great morning for me from a spiritual standpoint.

180' turn

I got a message from my sister today saying congrats, its the halfway mark. This was in relation to the fast. It's quite amazing how quickly time goes by. Until I got her message, I hadn't really given it much thought. The truth of the matter is that this year the fast has gone quite smoothly for me. Its the first time in 5 years where I haven't had an insanely difficult and very long work schedule, so really it's been quite easy. Granted, it isn't over yet, so maybe the last half will be harder, but so far, no big deal. I don't enjoy waking up early, BUT, I do enjoy praying with my husband in the early morning. It's a nice way to start the day together, even if we do go back to sleep after.

This is a very good time for personal reflection and goal setting etc..I am really hoping to take this time and use it wisely. Internalize some things and come up with a plan for how to accomplish certain personal goals in the coming year.

So I am going to do a complete 180' turn now. I just got a phone call at work today from someone who is suppose to submit a regional analysis to me by this afternoon, but they haven't even started on it. This sort of thing REALLY frustrates me. I can't understand how some people can be so non-chalant about their responsibilities and due dates, deadlines, etc... Do they not realize that when they submit late it makes me either have to work my ass off to get my stuff done on time, OR i am late regardless of how hard I work??? I am just the type of person who takes deadlines and responsibilities VERY seriously, so i don't get it. It really, really irks me!!! The thing is, everyone sort of laughs it off, because its the same thing all the time! I mean come on, there is no excuse for always submitting late, I'm sorry, NO excuse!!!

Ok, that was my rant for the day! I am going to have a busy few days at work the rest of this week, but that's not a bad thing. Makes the time go by faster. I kind of enjoy it. I am also going to go look at an apartment tomorrow, there is an open house and I am going to see how it looks in person. P and I are very interested in it... We'll see how it goes. K - that's all for now!

To buy or not to buy...

Well as i mentioned in my previous blog, I finally rented out my condo in the states. Phew! What a relief!!! Well you might think i'm crazy after my experience in Atlanta, but now I am debating whether I should buy a place here. The thing is, the market here is very different. Usually people sell their apartments/homes within a week of putting them on the market. There is very high demand and not nearly as much supply as in the US, so the risk of being unable to sell is much less...

I am just trying to be wise in my decisions. Obviously, after my past experience, I am hesitant to purchase something else. On the other hand, rent here is pretty high and it feels like such a waste to just throw that money away. AND, it is REALLY hard to find a rental here, like there is so much demand for it and not enough supply for rentals, so i know worst case scenario, if i dont want to sell or can't, i can always rent it out without a problem...

Anyway, I am going to start looking at some ads, see if anything tickles my fancy, then I will do the math and see if its worth my while. But who knows, I may just own a place before the summer gets here...Just seems like a smart move!

Headed Back

Well, I haven't written since I left for my visit home. Now, unfortunately for me, my trip is nearly over. Tomorrow, we are catching a flight back from whence we came. It has been a bittersweet experience for me. On the one hand, it has been very nice to be home, on the other, some unpleasant stuff came up which has really sort of clouded my experience. But all in all, its been very nice. On a really positive note, I finally rented out my condo in Atlanta with the tenants actually moving in and not backing out on me like the last guy did. So that has been quite a relief.

Part of me really wants to stay on a while a longer, but by myself. I feel like my experience at home is different when its just me vs me and someone else. I can be more relaxed when I am alone, probably because i dont have to worry about how the other person is enjoying themselves, what to do with them, etc...But it is nice to have someone to go do things with, other than my parents of course!

Anyway, I am sad to leave, but I guess I have to get back to my life. I also can not wait to see my doggie!! I have missed him a lot. It will be cool to get to hold him again. He really is my baby!

I did a lot of great shopping while I was home, that was fun! It is always nice to go shopping in a new place and get stuff you cant get wherever you are living, especially if you get them at bargain prices. This go round, it was tons of costume jewelry. I picked up a lot of nice pieces of costume jewelry, which is lots of fun to wear in my opinion, and oftentimes nice stuff can even appear real. I really scored big time on purchases of that on this trip. Always fun for me!

I mentioned a few blogs ago that I had been asked to speak at my parents fireside. I chose to speak on the subject "nature of the soul". I am pleased to say the talk went quite well and the people who attended really seemed to be engaged and asked a lot of questions when it was over. I think it is fair to say it was a success. I am glad I did it. It was a good experience preparing for it. I was nervous, but in the end it turned out fine. Its a great way to deepen ones knowledge in a particular subject. I need to try and be more discipline and just act as though I have been asked to speak on something and try and deepen on it. It is nourishment for the soul. It feels great!!!

Today is the first day of my Bahai fast (sorry the computer i am on doesnt allow me to use apostrophes, so many words in this post are missing them). The fast lasts for 19 days and basically I cant eat or drink anything from sunrise to sunset. I get to break the fast today in about an hour and a half. So far, it has been going fine. I am not dying of hunger or anything. i do feel a bit thirsty, but that is mainly because i spent a few hours packing all of the stuff i bought and running around getting organized...Hopefully, the rest of the fast will go as smoothly as today has.

I am not looking forward to going back to work. This is mainly because I know I will be jet lagged for the first few days, which will make it tough to concentrate at work. Oh well, hopefully it wont be too bad. On the other hand, I am looking forward to seeing my co-workers. They are all really nice people and I enjoy their company.

Ok, happy fasting and have a wonderful weekend! I will try and post more frequently once I am back in the land far, far away....Hehe...Till next time!

The week ahead...

It's the start of a brand new week and I must say things are looking up. It is sunny outside and I know that in 48 hours I will be boarding a plane heading home to visit my parents. I really can't wait. It's been 6 months since I have been home(the home I grew up in) and I miss my parents and miss my home a lot. I get this cozy feeling every time I go back and step into the house. It is a great source of comfort for me. So, as you can imagine, it brings me much joy to think about the fact that in only a few days, I will be back, enveloped in the warmth of home and what that represents to me.

The especially nice thing about this visit is that when i leave, I will see my parents a month and a half later. They are coming to visit me, which i am also very much looking forward to. It will be nice to show them where I live now and what my life is like over here.

Several days ago, I blogged about a frustrating situation in my life. It still hasn't been resolved, but it might work out, we'll see. I have sort of resigned myself to just deal with whatever happens. At some point, if things don't work out, the money will just run out, and if that happens, well it would be a real bummer, i won't deny that, but its just money. Easy come, easy go...I won't let myself get too worked up over it since its a part of life. But I am still hoping for a somewhat positive resolution. We'll see...

The only thing I am not looking forward to about my trip is leaving my dog behind. He is my baby! I love him so much and he makes me laugh constantly. So I will miss all of the funny things he does. Last night he burped. It was the funniest thing ever. In all my life, I have NEVER heard a dog burp!!! It was hilarious!!! Anyway, he will be in very good hands, so that is something that brings me comfort at least. We have some friends who take care of him when we travel and they are just fantastic. They treat him so well. It's good to know he is being taken care of with lots of love and patience. I am so grateful to them.

I am really tired right now, didn't get a lot of sleep, so I am struggling to keep my eyes open, but I'll be ok. That's all for now folks, not much else to update you on. Have a great week!

What Gives????

I woke up this morning and checked cnn.com as is part of my morning ritual and what do i see, another shooting at a university in the US. So far, 6 students dead + the gunman, not to mention 22 total shot, some in critical condition, so death tally will probably rise further. I mean, seriously people, what the hell is it going to take for the US to realize that there are MAJOR gun control issues in that country????? For heaven's sake, it does NOT take a rocket scientist to put 2 and 2 together and realize that the number of shootings in the US is related to the horrible gun control laws. BAN them I say!!! BAN them!!!

Oh some guy feels more comfortable with his gun, well too bad!!! If they aren't allowed for anyone, but law enforcement, then you won't need one to protect yourself. Sure the really bad guys will probably still find ways to get them, but you can't stop everyone, but then you CAN keep your average joe who snaps for a minute and causes A LOT of damage in that minute, from having access. And you reduce the number in circulation. I mean seriously, look at other countries where it is very difficult to have a gun, they DONT have these issues that the United States faces, almost every week now. Have we learned NOTHING from these shooting rampages?????

I mean this really makes me angry, very angry. First of all because it shows that there are so many sick people in the world. Second, that people are NOT learning their damn lessons. Third, that so many innocent people are suffering and there is no need for that to happen. There is a cure, one is the practical one of getting rid of the guns, two is the spiritual answer which is really what is needed above and beyond anything. The ills that are plaguing society today, they can be healed, through spirituality, then no matter how many guns were out there in the world, it WOULDN'T matter, because people would be different. I mean we are spiritual beings, put on this earth to serve our Lord, and they way to do that is serve one another, through kindness, and implementation of the spiritual qualities and gems each one of us have been endowed with. We have been created in the image of God. That is what many people believe, so why don't we display that image as we should???? We all need to turn inwards and start leading our lives as we should, and little by little, the world will change and these idiotic episodes won't happen!!! And the government needs to step in and actually govern justly and be for the people, rather than for themselves.... What is it going to take???????????

XOXO

It's that time of year again. It is February 14th, also known as Valentine's Day. I hope everyone reading this gets to spend today with some friends, loved ones, etc.. I will be spending the day with my hubby. Nothing special planned this year, which is ok. We'll probably have dinner at home and just be together. We are going on a trip next week so we can do something special then.

I know that today is actually just a very commercial day that marketing people came up with to have an excuse to force people to go out and spend more money. To be honest, I don't care. I totally buy into it!!! I mean its nice to have these "special" days once in a while. So, marketing invention or not, who cares, its always great to have someone who cares for you let you know, with a card, flowers, chocolate, phone call, whatever... something is always nice...

So this post is to say to all of my friends out there who actually read this once in a while, HAPPY VALENTINE's DAY!!! I am thinking of you and sending you much love!!! xoxo.

ITS OVER!!!!

That's right folks, the Writer's Strike is 100% OVER, for the next 3 years at least...I have been following news on the strike rather closely since I am ashamed to admit, I am a huge fan of television and movies and of course this strike was messing up my ability to watch my favorite shows, not to mention, the threat it posed to the Oscars which I am a big fan of. What's so insane is that this thing has cost the US economy and estimated 2BILLION dollars. Imagine what you could do with 2billion dollar!?! It's nuts, really since everyone in the world knows the studios couldn't possibly go on forever without the writers... It was a game of chicken to see who could last the longest...well at least they reached a compromise. But they only signed a deal for 3 years, so who knows, this junk may happen all over again!!!

Last night P and I were watching this week's episode of Prison Break(some shows have had new episodes every few weeks or so, they stretched it out) and I swear that for about 75% of the episode my heart was racing... Seriously, I know its just a tv show, its fake, but its amazing how it has the ability to draw a viewer in to the point that they have physical reactions to what they see...It is one of the shows that is able to do that, for me anyway. I tend to be an emotional person, I cry if something is happy or sad, etc.. so when there is major suspense my heart starts to pound and I get all nervous... Its quite funny, although I could do without the feeling...its too intense... So I am hoping I don't have to wait forever for the next few episodes, and I sincerly hope the year finishes out instead of going on hiatus until the fall. Although, they will probably leave me with some major cliffhanger which will also stink!!! I hate those, I always want to know what happens, like immediately!!!

Well I am happy this strike is over, people can go back to work, pump some money into the economy, and best of all, I get my shows back(probably not till april, but still)...Oh and I am going home next week and get to watch the Oscar's there with my family, can't wait!!!

Dancing Queen

Last night we went to party some friends held to celebrate their recent nuptials. I only knew a few people at the party and was sort of sitting around for a while, chit chatting with some friends who were there. There was music playing the whole time, and I had an itch to dance, but it wasn't really all that danceable music and noone was dancing, I mean zero persons. A friend of mine and I were talking and Madonna's "like a virgin" song came on, and i turned to her and I was like "I really wanna dance!" and then asked "do you wanna dance?" and she was like "yeah". So, the two of us proceeded to get up and dance. Now this was strange because EVERYONE was watching us, I mean really that is how it felt at least. It was pretty random, just two girls who most people don't know, dancing in the middle of the place (there was no actual dance floor). But then we made some requests of the dj, and after a few songs(which felt like a million years) of just us dancing, one more person joined, then another, and eventually a small group. Then after that, the music got better and even more joined....

The host thanked us for getting the dancing going. I had a wonderful time and shook my booty on the dance floor, hehe. Actually, I really did just let go of all of my inhibitions, and TRUST me, there are many, and just had a great time. I felt really proud of myself because that is something, that in the past at least, I would NEVER have done.... I feel like I have grown a lot in my self confidence in the past few years. Maybe its because I'm married and subconsciously I don't feel like I need to impress guys, or maybe I just trust myself more. I don't really know, but all I can say is I am SO glad I went for it, because what could have been a quite boring night, actually turned into really great fun!!!

major disappointment(see i can spell it grandpa)

Last night I was dealt a major blow in a situation that has been ongoing for a year and a half which was so close to finally being alleviated a bit. I am experiencing a lot of feelings right now, but mostly sheer frustration. I am beyond frustrated actually. I don't know what to do anymore. I really just don't know what to do. I just want to scream and break something right now...seriously, I can't believe my luck! on the other hand, i feel like i have no right to be upset because the thing afflicting is a financial situation, its material related i guess, and i should be happy i am alive and healthy especially with all of the recent stuff happening in the news and people dying in natural disasters, shootouts, etc...i really shouldnt be upset or complaining... I don't know if i am entitled to feel the way I do, nor how to not feel this way, or better yet, HOW TO FREAKING RESOLVE MY SITUATION!!!!!!!!!!!! ok sorry, i just HAD to let it out!!!!

Dreams

Last night I had a very vivid dream which made me wake up I was so upset. Every once in a while I have what I suppose you can describe as nightmares, but not necessarily nightmares, moreso things that are just upsetting. About a year and a half ago, my pet poodle, Tia, died. This was when I was living in Atlanta. It was a bit of a traumatic experience for me, the way it happened and I was all alone, it was middle of the night, anyway its not something I enjoy thinking about. Well jump ahead to present day and I have a pet shit zu, Bebo. I have had him for a year now and I really love him, as most people do their pets. Well last night, I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that Bebo was walking funny, but nothing really strange, but then later John Goodman(that's right from "Roseanne", probably thought of him since i saw an episode of roseanne yesterday), told me that a moth had gone up Bebo's leg(yeah not possible I know) and he was dying. And then i saw this like vet paramedic guy with Bebo and he looked awful, kind of like Tia did, and I just grabbed Bebo and was holding him pacing back and forth and sobbing and saying "Oh God, Oh God, not again, I can't handle this again, not again, please, please" and i uttered some prayer's and the name of God over and over and I mean it was really soooooooooo real, and I woke up. Oh and i remember seeing bebo's belly cut open, like they were going to try to operate to get the moth out.... that was the last thing i remember before waking up.... The thing is it felt SO real and I was SOOOOO upset.... I mean i know its probably me just projecting my feelings into a dream (bebo got a nasty cut last night and I was a bit worried) but still, i think its crazy how real dreams can be.

This also gets me thinking about the meaning of certain dreams. How do you know if something you dreamt has some sort of significance, or if its just your imagination projecting your thoughts? I am not really sure, though i definitely believe in the power of dreams. I also think dreams in general are very interesting. But I tell you, I wouldn't mind if I never had another scary dream again!!! I hate waking up frightened/upset!!!