Thin Ice

My sister wrote a blog entry about some interesting things that happened to her yesterday, two of which involved potential dangers to her physical being(she could have been hit by a truck and the car she was in was hit by a truck)...Anyway, it basically pointed out the life is fragile and there are many things to be grateful for. This is true. But sometimes its very hard for me to come to terms with just how fragile life is. It's like walking on thin ice in a way. All it takes is one wrong step into the road, or some crazy bacteria to invade your body, or any other number of things to happen that can end your life in the blink of an eye. It's scary to think about it. It should also be thought provoking. The funny thing is, we all, on some level, know life is not be taken for granted, yet we still do in one way or another. We procrastinate, avoid sharing our feelings, pass on opportunities, and don't do all sorts of things we probably would if we knew the end were near. I wonder though, is it better to know? I guess it depends on who you are. Some people will take advantage of that knowledge and live their lives to the fullest, others will figure its almost over anyway and won't do anything worthwhile...Not sure which category I would fall into if it came down to it, but hope it would be the first...

One thing I have been struggling with a lot lately is coming to terms with the fact that we won't live forever and I will be losing loved ones, assuming I don't go first, thin ice - who knows...I can't really bring myself to accept it. It hurts too much. It physically hurts. I have no idea how anyone who has lost a dear one has dealt with it. I don't feel I have the strength. Last night I dreamt about it and it physically hurt in my dream and was so painful I woke up praying for the person I was dreaming of. I know I need to be grateful for the memories and time I have had with all of my dear ones, but at the same time, I am not ready to only live on memories...Problem is, I am a virgin when it comes to loss. I have never lost anyone near or dear to me except my grandparents and I was too young to feel the pain. So now that I am a bit older, which makes many of my loved ones older, the reality of it is staring me in the face and it scares the crap out of me. The physical seperation scares me, nothing else. I know they will still be here, that this world is a part of the next one and that we will be reunited, but that's all good and well. it doesn't change the fact you can't speak, hold each other, see each other, laugh together, cry together...I am not ready, I am just not ready...Don't know if I ever will be...I hope God gives me the strength to not hurt so bad when it happens...Cause lord knows it hurts right now!!!