Self-help

Several weeks ago I blogged about some personal struggles and my intention to help improve my physical appearance. The key word in this whole thing is struggle, because it is one. I haven't been terribly good. I was good the first two weeks, but then work got really tough and I stopped trying. It's kind of like getting on the horse, falling off, then trying to get back up. That is what I am going to do. I haven't given up on myself, which is good I guess, but not enough I know. I wonder why it is that for some people they are fully capable of helping others, but its so hard to help themselves. Somehow life is just ironic that way. Or sometimes people are so kind to others and loving, but with those nearest and dearest they are distant...I don't really understand certain ironies in life....

But life certainly is quite ironic!!! Take me for example, the only thing I really ever, truly cared about in my life is family, especially being around my own family, parents, sister, cousins, uncles, etc...But I now live half way around the world from most of them. In a million years, I don't think i could have imagined that would have been the case. Another irony, my whole life I dreamt of living in the US, it was my desire ever since I left it as a small child, yet once again, I had to go and fall in love with a European who had no desire to live in the US...Life is too ironic!!!

I guess in a lot of cases these ironic situations can be personal tests which help to build character if you deal with them appropriately and choose to grow from the situation somehow. Its amazing how much power we hold in our own hands, yet we don't choose to do anything with it. I mean happiness, if you think about it, is simply a state of mind. Sure it is impacted by your surroundings, environment, etc. , but we can decide to be happy or not. it's simple as that, yet it isn't...I mean obviously, as a deeply religious person, I believe true happiness comes from a sense of nearness to God, but that aside, just practical happiness in terms of your life situation etc..you can choose to be or not to be. You can make lemonade out of lemons life throws you or you can just see a bunch of sour lemons and grunt about it...It's easier said than done I know, but at the end of the day, it is possible. I just need to keep reminding myself of that on days when I see sour lemons thrown at me instead of sweet oranges...

Sad Day

Today is a sad day for me because one of my co-worker's whom I have grown quite fond of is leaving the company. Today is her last day, in fact its her last few minutes here I believe. It feels like what once use to be a bustling, noisy office place has become quite and almost desolate. So many people have left that this place is a completely different place from what it was when I first started here. It's a bit sad, especially when the weather is grey outside as it has been for the past month here. I am really going to miss my co-worker. Her name is Terese and I really like her a lot. Every day when I would come into work we would chat and share stories about stuff. I feel like I am losing a friend, even though I hope to keep in touch with her. It stinks saying goodbye to people you are fond of. Especially if you don't have too many friends around, it really stinks!

I feel like so many people I have grown fond of over the years, I have had to say goodbye to! I guess I am just feeling a bit nostalgic for a past life. I would give anything to be back in my freshman year of college, just for a week and reexperience the fun times with friends. I had such a wonderful time my first year with my Bahai friends in Atlanta and that feeling of belonging. We were a special group of friends and we have since drifted to different parts of the world, but in that time it was so nice. Hanging out at Ladan's apartment on the weekend, Tali and Sami coming down from gainesville, nase coming in late from his 12 hr shift at CNN, adrian just dropping by, all of us just chilling together... I loved that time in my life!!! At least I have the memories of it all, and some pictures to remind me if I do forget! I miss you guys!!!

A few of my favorite things

Here is a list of a few of my favorite things, in no particular order:

1)The Baha'i Faith and how blessed my life has been because of it!
2)Catching up with good friends and having that feeling that no time has passed at all since you last saw or spoke with each other.
3)My dad's laughter.
4)My mom's laughter.
5)My husband's laughter when I say something that makes him crack a smile.
6)My dog Bebo and all of his adorable quirks!!!
7)When my sister and I crack up together over an old memory or just something we find funny.
8)Laughing so hard it hurts and I have to stop cause i feel an asthma attack coming on.
9)Cousin Reunions!!!
10)Reading a good book and staying up all night cause I can't stop turning the pages.
11)Mint Chocolate Chip Icecream(especially from baskin robins).
12)Driving.
13)Watching a really great movie!
14)Visiting my family.
15)My mom's homecooking, NOTHING is better, hands down!!!

My H&M Experience + Week 1 Progress Report

Let's start off with my progress report regarding my weightloss journey. As I mentioned in my previous blog entry, I am trying to put off 10 kilos in the next 4 months. I just completed 1 week since I announced my goal and I am very happy to say I am off to a good start. I lost 1 kilo this week. It's not an enormous amount, but its definitely a healthy start! I hope I am able to keep it up. I feel like I am in the right frame of mind for it!!! I will continue to update, maybe not weekly, but as frequently as possible...

Now, for my H&M experience...Today, I went to H&M at one of the malls here in Stockholm in an attempt to do some shopping while P is out of town. Actually, I saw a skirt I liked and decided to go see if it would look nice on me. Anyway, here is what happened when I went. I went up the escalator to get to the second floor where I had previously seen the skirt. As I am reaching the top of the escalator an Indian gentleman passed by me and said in English "It's hot", then he proceeded to repeat it "it's hot in the store". I kind of grinned or something, not sure. Then I got to the top of the stairs I went to the area with skirts (which was very near the escalator) and I am filtering through and out of the corner of my eye I notice the Indian dude is also looking in the same exact rack as me. Then the following happened:

Indian Dude: What's your name?
Me: Why?
Indian dude: Just trying to make friends.
Me: (with a skeptical look) Zhena
Indian Dude: My name is Rami...
Rami: Are you from Sweden?
Me: No.
Rami: Where are you from?
Me: America
Rami: I'm from UK.
Rami: What are you doing here(in sweden)?
Me: I live here
Rami: So you work here?
Me: yes i work
Rami: (finally getting to the point after a bit of silence) Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: (lifting up my left hand to show him the big ass diamond ring on my finger) I am Married!!!!
Rami: (sad look on his face) oh bad luck for me... (he walks away)

I mean COME ON!!!! Does this dude think he actually stands a chance of picking up a girl at H&M???? I mean I am so stupid for not having said from the beginning "leave me alone I don't need anymore friends"...but its just not in my nature...What I want to know is, why didn't he just look at my ring finger to begin with... or maybe he did but thought it was worth a shot anyway....I don't know, but we women ALWAYS look at a man's left index finger to see if he is wearing a ring...Either way, it was a very strange experience...Kind of creepy too, because now I am convinced he followed me in the store and up the escalator...P wasn't too happy when I told him about it, since I was alone and all..but its not that big a deal, just hasn't happened to me in a while, men aren't usually so aggresive in their pursuit of women...much less the married ones!!! hehehe....Anyway, thought it was a funny tale to share...

My Life Struggle - A heartfelt confession

For those of you who have known me over the span of about 10 years, you will know that once upon a time I wasn't fat. Funny thing is, I always thought I was. My obsession with weight started in the 6th grade when I weighed about 80lbs and wanted to lose 20, so I would only weigh 60lbs, even though I was already over 5ft tall then. It was crazy, but growing up in Puerto Rico, people are obsessed with how you look and they have no problem telling you when you have put on a little weight. I remeber them saying "ooh tienes pipa", it means"ooh you have a belly"...anyway, that is when my self consciousness started...Over the years I put on more weight, but throughout all of highschool, I was never actually "over" weight. I was a healthy weight for my height, but since I was so much taller than most of the girls around me (PRican women tend to be short), I always felt like this huge giant, and fat...I don't come from a family of skinny people either, so I am not genetically pre-disposed to being thin or petite...

After high-school, I went to college and put on the traditional freshman 15, but I still looked ok, though I knew I needed to be careful, however, I didn't watch myself, I ate lots of crap(for the first time in my life really), and put on even more weight. Well in the summer between my junior and sophomore year I had enough. I went to a doctor to lose weight. She cut out lots of stuff from my diet, I ended up practically starving myself, and walking 4 miles a day. I lost about 24 pounds in 4 weeks time and I looked and felt great... I managed to keep the weight off for about 5 months, then i started dating my now husband and on my first visit to see him we went to mcdonalds almost every day, for icecream, fries, etc.. I put on 5lbs on that visit alone. It was a downfall after that... I gained back all of the weight I lost and then some during my senior year in college. Then I started working as an auditor with PwC and we worked insane hours and ate almost every meal in front of our computers. I have never been a health nut so i didn't order the health conscious food when we ordered food(which was every meal lunch and dinner practically)and needless to say, I put on tons more weight...I managed to lose about 25 lbs before my wedding by doing the no carb diet, but after the wedding i packed on all the weight i had lost plus a significantly additional amount since I went back to eating as I had before the no-carb diet....

This brings me to the present. I am 2 weeks away from my 27th birthday. I find myself in a true predicament. I always told my husband when I turned 27, I wanted us to start trying to children. Well now reality is hitting me hard. I am 2 weeks away, but I am no where near in the proper physical shape to get pregnant and carry a child and then try to put off baby weight after giving birth. So, I need to lose weight AGAIN!!! This has been such a struggle in my life for the past 9 years. Unless you have been overweight and had to lose it and keep it off, you really have NOOO idea how difficult it can be, not just physically, but emotionally...Funny thing is, people think you don't care, or you are lazy, and maybe to an extent that can be true, but they don't realize that you think about it all the time, and you do try, but its hard and when you fail, sometimes you give up, get comfortable with the fact that you are fat, it is what it is, and you try to not obsess about it ALL the time. I know people think they are helping when they try to reach out and offer advice, ask you about it etc, and maybe for some that helps, for me it just makes me hate myself all the more and almost feel like doing nothing just to prove people right...I don't know. I have always been sort of a self-help person. I want to do things myself, I don't want help from others, I want to be able to say I did it, all on my own...So I get irritated sometimes when others offer a "helping hand"...It's the wrong attitude I know, but its hard to change...

You might be wondering why I am posting all of this on a blog for the world to read, the truth is, I think it will help me. I have felt like, for lack of a better word, shit for the longest time. I have no self-confidence in terms of my appearance, I look like crap in just about every picture taken of me (and I use to be photogenic), and I am tired of it. I know I need to do something about it and I know I have made excuse after excuse, but I think I am finally prepared to challenge myself and change my lifestyle for the better. I know its not easy and i will probably slip up now and then, but I am going to try. I am not going to go on a fad diet, or become an excercise nazi, but I am going to make a conscious effort to eat better, smaller portion sizes, and to try and exercise regularly..Hopefully that will help me put off the pounds I feel I need to lose before I am comfortable getting pregnant. I am going to try post my progress on this blog. The goal I am starting with is to lose 10kilos in the next 4 months (that's 22lbs).Wish me luck!!!

Am I a workaholic?

So it's 1:30 am and I am just finishing up my latest draft of a 12 month cashflow forecast for my company. It sounds more complicated than it is. Anyway, it's not due until tomorrow afternoon at 5pm, but I decided I wanted to work on it tonight. Here's the thing, I have been working from home for the past several weeks, so its not really a normal work schedule as I am not at the office, rather I have my computer on all day and do work as it comes in or work on things I would normally do, but I come and go and so I find myself doing things like working on the cash flow at 1 am. The reason I wonder about being a workaholic is that I could have worked on this tomorrow and still gotten it done in time. So you are proabably thinking, well why stay up late working? Well the thing is, if I know there is something that needs to be done, I kind of like to get it done right then and there.

I think is a personality trait of mine which has flowed over into my work habits. My dad always use to say that I was always looking forward to the next fun thing, so like if it were my bday, as soon as it was over, i was thinking ahead to what celebration came next..I never really have lived in the present, i have always looked to the future, so its sort of the same with work. I feel like if something needs to be done, I should do it now to get it over with. I also think that my years of working as an audit slave for PwC sort of have me accustomed to working all the time that now when I have a more normal schedule and there is less work, I kind of crave more, is that insane of me? Don't get me wrong, I love having a work life balance and being able to do things outside of work, but I also love working,as long as there is stuff to do...Works out well for my employer in that I have never been late for a deadline, unless it was something I couldn't control, and I am really willing to give 150% for the job, if that is what was called for, which its not really in my current job, but I still try to do it when I can.

I don't know if I am crazy or not, but its ok, because I haven't let it interfere in my life so far. And I feel like I am being responsible... I mean I wouldn't be staying up this late if I was going into the office tomorrow, unless I really had to, then I would of course...Maybe I just need to get a life...Though I suspect if I had a life and work needed me to do something, I would drop my life stuff and do it...Can't help it...I just feel its my duty..

3 am ramblings

Well its 3 am and I just finished a book I bought yesterday. Don't you love staying up reading a good book and that feeling of just wanting to finish, no matter the time.. Only downside is I have work in the morning, but it was worth it. It feels like ages since I stayed up late reading a good, ficitional book, just for the sake of reading, not to deepen myself spiritually and read into the meaning of life, just reading for the sake of entertainment. In college, i spent countless saturday nights in my dorm reading, most would think "how lame", and maybe it was, but i loved it...

Anyway, now its late and I am here typing my post, not really about anything in particular...Oh look P just walked in the door, home from a night out with a buddy. I suppose i should probably be going to sleep, otherwise my head will be hurting at work tomorrow, but its been fun. Brings back some good memories of a more carefree time in my life! Ah those were the days!!!