For those of you who have known me over the span of about 10 years, you will know that once upon a time I wasn't fat. Funny thing is, I always thought I was. My obsession with weight started in the 6th grade when I weighed about 80lbs and wanted to lose 20, so I would only weigh 60lbs, even though I was already over 5ft tall then. It was crazy, but growing up in Puerto Rico, people are obsessed with how you look and they have no problem telling you when you have put on a little weight. I remeber them saying "ooh tienes pipa", it means"ooh you have a belly"...anyway, that is when my self consciousness started...Over the years I put on more weight, but throughout all of highschool, I was never actually "over" weight. I was a healthy weight for my height, but since I was so much taller than most of the girls around me (PRican women tend to be short), I always felt like this huge giant, and fat...I don't come from a family of skinny people either, so I am not genetically pre-disposed to being thin or petite...
After high-school, I went to college and put on the traditional freshman 15, but I still looked ok, though I knew I needed to be careful, however, I didn't watch myself, I ate lots of crap(for the first time in my life really), and put on even more weight. Well in the summer between my junior and sophomore year I had enough. I went to a doctor to lose weight. She cut out lots of stuff from my diet, I ended up practically starving myself, and walking 4 miles a day. I lost about 24 pounds in 4 weeks time and I looked and felt great... I managed to keep the weight off for about 5 months, then i started dating my now husband and on my first visit to see him we went to mcdonalds almost every day, for icecream, fries, etc.. I put on 5lbs on that visit alone. It was a downfall after that... I gained back all of the weight I lost and then some during my senior year in college. Then I started working as an auditor with PwC and we worked insane hours and ate almost every meal in front of our computers. I have never been a health nut so i didn't order the health conscious food when we ordered food(which was every meal lunch and dinner practically)and needless to say, I put on tons more weight...I managed to lose about 25 lbs before my wedding by doing the no carb diet, but after the wedding i packed on all the weight i had lost plus a significantly additional amount since I went back to eating as I had before the no-carb diet....
This brings me to the present. I am 2 weeks away from my 27th birthday. I find myself in a true predicament. I always told my husband when I turned 27, I wanted us to start trying to children. Well now reality is hitting me hard. I am 2 weeks away, but I am no where near in the proper physical shape to get pregnant and carry a child and then try to put off baby weight after giving birth. So, I need to lose weight AGAIN!!! This has been such a struggle in my life for the past 9 years. Unless you have been overweight and had to lose it and keep it off, you really have NOOO idea how difficult it can be, not just physically, but emotionally...Funny thing is, people think you don't care, or you are lazy, and maybe to an extent that can be true, but they don't realize that you think about it all the time, and you do try, but its hard and when you fail, sometimes you give up, get comfortable with the fact that you are fat, it is what it is, and you try to not obsess about it ALL the time. I know people think they are helping when they try to reach out and offer advice, ask you about it etc, and maybe for some that helps, for me it just makes me hate myself all the more and almost feel like doing nothing just to prove people right...I don't know. I have always been sort of a self-help person. I want to do things myself, I don't want help from others, I want to be able to say I did it, all on my own...So I get irritated sometimes when others offer a "helping hand"...It's the wrong attitude I know, but its hard to change...
You might be wondering why I am posting all of this on a blog for the world to read, the truth is, I think it will help me. I have felt like, for lack of a better word, shit for the longest time. I have no self-confidence in terms of my appearance, I look like crap in just about every picture taken of me (and I use to be photogenic), and I am tired of it. I know I need to do something about it and I know I have made excuse after excuse, but I think I am finally prepared to challenge myself and change my lifestyle for the better. I know its not easy and i will probably slip up now and then, but I am going to try. I am not going to go on a fad diet, or become an excercise nazi, but I am going to make a conscious effort to eat better, smaller portion sizes, and to try and exercise regularly..Hopefully that will help me put off the pounds I feel I need to lose before I am comfortable getting pregnant. I am going to try post my progress on this blog. The goal I am starting with is to lose 10kilos in the next 4 months (that's 22lbs).Wish me luck!!!
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5 comments:
You are one of the most beautiful women I know. You carry yourself very well, and you have never appeared to me as if you have let go of yourself.
To the contrary! I will be here for you every step of the way. You will accomplish this goal just as you have accomplished every other goal you have set yourself out to accomplish! And remember, we are always our own self's worst critic. We hardly ever see what other see. Keep that beautiful smile and caring nature, and trust that you will succeed!
Thanks Tali joon! I really appreciate it! It's true, we can be our own self's worst critics, but maybe that's a good thing sometimes...kicks our butts into gear..we'll see..hopefully I won't fail again, its been a few years now of me saying i am gonna do something about my weight...I appreciate your support!!!
Wow, I have to say, I'm, for lack of a better word, stunned by your post. It is so open and revealing. Speaking about these kinds of things can be extremely hard, taboo, and can feel embarrassing to talk about. Not sure what prompted it, but I'm impressed that you had the guts to address it. And so publicly!
Since you wanna go it alone (which i understand!) i wont ask how things are going. But, as tali said, i know you can do it. You should know you can do it, too.
I'll be curious to see how you tie the blog posting into this whole process...
Yeah - i guess I figured i would be more accountable if I put it out there and that would make it easier to stick to my goals!!! Let's see what happens...Thanks for the encouragement, I appreciate it!!!
Good luck, i know you can do it!
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